Unfortunately, gathering material for this piece wasn't as easy as it sounded. First of all, I think I took my role as "student" a little too seriously and, running late, rushed into the classroom and made a B-line to the 2nd row - a great place to sit when really taking a class, but a horrible spot when acting as spy. As soon as I settled into my seat, I realized what a big mistake this was. First of all, I couldn't take notes on all of the weirdo students that were taking this stuff seriously. I did try to sneak a glimpse of some of the students who were sitting beside me, but when I accidentally locked eyes with a tall skinny chap at the end of the row, he gave me this "meet me after class and sample what we learned?" kind of look, so I decided to focus on Jaid. But even worse than not being able to examine my "peers," they could see everything I did. They must have thought I was desperately into this by the way I was furiously scribbling notes. I wanted to announce to everyone "I'm just taking notes for Sexplex!" but instead I think they all thought I was the biggest loser in there. She'd say really obvious things, like "A woman's fantasy is to be dominated. Or to be a dominatrix." (Like what else is there??). And I'd scribble it down, verbatim, as if I had finally gotten the key to a happy and healthy sex life.

The only one in the room who seemed to get a kick out of my frantic note-taking was Jaid. She kept on staring at me! I guess I was the teacher's pet, the apple of her eye. She would make some profound point, like "Humor is important in a relationship," and then look at me, as if to ask, "Did you get all of that?" I'd return a grateful smile and then sneak a look at my ring watch (I felt so 007).

She did take some questions from the audience, the best one being, "If a woman gives you her cheek 5 times in a row when you try to kiss her, what does this mean?" Oh dear.

The minutes dragged on. We didn't get any sexy demonstrations, no films, no visuals whatsoever. Except Jaid herself, who I must say was adorable. A petite, energetic, down-to-earth-for-a-celebrity kind of woman. I liked her! And of course, being her Pet, I think the feeling was mutual on her part. If only the teachings of How to Be a World Class Lover would have unveiled some real secrets!

Instead, this is what the wise woman "taught" us in a nutshell:

What Do Women Really Want?
1. Flowers (What a revelation!)
2. A man to open her doors
3. Surprises
4. Serenades
5. Lots o' compliments
6. A love-note written on her mirror
7. A sense of humor
8. Experimentation
9. Patience (especially with #8)
10. Tell her she's "Sheena the Great"

What Are Men Attracted To?
1. "Cozy" scents such as pumpkin, cinnamon, vanilla, and buttered popcorn
2. Spontaneity
3. Communication

Other Notes:
- Both Women and Men can learn from porno movies.
- Turn your lover on by telling her/him about a hot scene from a sexy movie
- Jaid was NOT airbrushed in her Playboy pix. She "works like a dog" at the gym every day.

Finally when the class ended she signed books. I was the only one who hadn't bought one. She looked at me quizzically, and I felt a bit sheepish. So I took out the Visa and she took out her pen. I haven't read a single word of Jaid's book, and I'm sure I never will, but I don't care. At least I was able to add it to my "celebrity-signed books shelf" collection, along with books signed by Timothy Leary, David Carradine and Barry "Greg Brady" Williams. When is Kyle MacClachlan going to write a book?

Other stories I've written:

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